I tried to walk into this movie with an open mind.

I think I believed—up until the opening credits—the writers would be smart and slap Dwayne Johnson (The Rock) onto the screen as the silent (well, non-speaking), foreboding presence he was in “The Mummy Returns,” there to intimidate the masses on- and offscreen with arms the size of Manhattan and an insane grin doubtless seen many times within the WWF ring—without saying a word.

There’s something to be said for the stereotypical strong, silent types.
And there’s plenty more to be said (none of it very nice) when those mute intimidators are given lines.

The story itself holds promise, as well it should, finding itself in very capable hands: Jonathan Hales, the man behind The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles and the upcoming “Star Wars: Episode II,” and Stephen Sommers, the clever mind responsible for “The Mummy” and “The Mummy Returns.” The hitch comes in translating a decent premise into a screenplay, whereby any hope of a salvageable movie plummets faster than The Rock’s talent for lead movie roles.
Fed such predictable hooey as “I make my own destiny” and “Anyone who touches the girl has to go through me first”—all said in a panting, teeth-gritting voice as if every line comes after fighting off hordes of enemies (which it usually does)—it’s obvious the creators are after some serious eye-candy with the dialogue thrown in as afterthought and borrowed heavily from every low-bar action/adventure film known to slick its way across a screen (they may have even plagiarized a few of Steven Seagal’s better lines).

But “The Scorpion King” does manage to throw out some seizure-inducing pyrotechnics as the story follows Mathayus (The Rock) in his quest to overthrow the evil (British?) ruler, Memnon (Steven Brand), and woo the scantily clad, aptly named sorceress Cassandra (Kelly Hu) away from Memnon’s clutches—the boy meets girl, boy likes girl, boy kills girl’s other would-be suitor scenario with an ancient desert flair and remarkable lack of fabric (each character only seems to own one set of clothing).

While Sommers manages to keep his hand in what promised to be a great series follow-up to the Indiana Jones saga, he turns over the director’s chair for this one, placing the camera in Chuck Russell’s less-capable hands—at least in this genre.

Gone is the catty self-awareness of the “Scorpion’s” predecessors and the gritty, squirm-worthy special effects (excluding the CGI disaster during the Scorpion King’s first appearance). Instead we are greeted with shaky-cam frames that play tag-team with slow-mo, stop-footage action—the latter achieving the same, endearing response the technique received in “The Lion King” and its final showdown. Dizzying and glossed over to an excruciating degree, it does manage to make us squirm—the only way to stay awake as twenty-minute scenes fly by with nary a memorable moment to spare.

Delving into a slew of TV personalities—Hu sneaking into people’s homes through appearances on Nash Bridges while Brand bounced around Doctors and a few others—and throwing them onto the big screen as a melting pot of low budget fees in the hopes they will meld together and create solid characters also doesn’t help the movie, failing at the one chance The Rock had to make it in a leading role: a strong supporting cast.

But if you push aside the cheese-heaped acting, over-ironed stereotypes and rehashed one-liners, a tiny morsel of entertainment may be gleaned from this testosterone-happy hoopla about a man and his trusty camel—but it won’t be a morsel worth $7.50.

I walked away from this movie with one consolation: I missed Brendan Fraser just as much as I thought I would.

Originally published by the Tyler Morning Telegraph.